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Naomie and Craig’s therapy session I could watch an entire hour of them answering questions with those flashcards. I have so many more questions to ask. Such as, Craig, now that you are watching this season, do you see how much you try to kill Naomie’s spirit on the reg? I love how he put it totally and effortlessly on her to keep the peace between them at Patricia’s party as if she’s the sole reason they get into fights. It was as if he were reading for a part in a movie called “My Ex Husband Did That Too Because That’s What Babies Do, You Baby.” Wait, are these fights actually about Naomie’s friendship with Landon? Hmmm .

Chelsea and Austen’s post Pork City trip date went from zero to 60, huh? He was bouncing around and head sweating and boring all of us with his beige sock face and then Chelsea had to make a joke about his sister being seven years younger than him. And then it was like boom. His 9 year old sister Kyle’s death, the most genuine and human moment in the history of “Southern Charm.” I hope the Kroll family gets nothing but love from the Bravo family this week. I’m sure that wasn’t easy for Austen to talk about on camera while filming for a ridiculous TV show that means nothing and stars people who matter not at all in the grand scheme of things.

Actually, I can make fun of Landon. Have you noticed that the only topic that gets her face to unpucker is Kathryn Dennis? In all other moments her facial expression looks like that of Janice the Muppet, but then watch as someone brings up Thomas’ relationship with Kathryn. Landon’s eyes will open fully and her mouth will reshape itself into a straight line so she can ruefully stare into the near distance and act like she’s not listening or even part of this conversation about Kathryn because She’s Above It. And yet she’s assuming the exact posture and aura of The Most Jealous Woman in this Angry Universe. I actually love that Kathryn isn’t interacting with everyone right now because it shows how off the mark Cameran and Landon are about her. Landon is like “She’s manipulative and insane!” and then all we see are scenes of Kathryn being open about her addiction, honest about her relationship struggles and humble about trying to make amends. Yeah,
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super manipulative and insane. You try conquering an addiction, Landon. Manipulative is you and Cameran trying to act like an all white Indian dinner party that includes one Indian guest (who is only allowed in AFTER dinner) is NOT the place to discuss Thomas’ future with Kathryn and Whitney’s decision to maybe get coffee with her. Where else do you two sensitive Sallies suggest this happen? Patricia Altschul’s Hos and Pimps barbecue next month?

Georgette really got on my nerves tonight. Vodka soda with “all the lemons” squeezed in? What a quaint order. Oh. And did that seem like a vaguely sexual and coded exchange with Michael the butler to you? He was all, “We have Meyer lemons on the piazza.” And her eyes were like “Show me your piazza. It sounds humongous.” Or maybe I’m just reading into things. Maybe I’m looking at a benign scene on a tiny iPhone screen but for some perverted reason am seeing two still structurally sound elderly women and one old man butler who most certainly would be the guy to carefully hang up each dog face caftan while explaining the benefits of a cedar hangers before hopping into bed and commencing a wicked threesome with them.

First, I love it when Shep gets all “Be the Bigger Person” and “Take the High Road.” He’s like a drunken bumper sticker in a fight. Second, lol Landon. “I take the high road with Kathryn and she tells me to eff off.” And Craig is all “No, you don’t.” And she’s like “I need an apology because I’m so angry at the truth that I’m about to Trovareco (formerly known as Roam) out of this room!” And Craig’s like “Can’t apologize, little lady, because you don’t take the high road.” Isn’t it terrifying that Landon thinks she’s been on the high road this whole time? What the hell does her low road look like?

Oh wait. We saw that already. It was her trying to be on a date with Austen. I swear, that girl lives in a fantasy world. She literally described Austen TO Austen as the man she wants to be with and then reminded him he has a girlfriend just so she could be like “Tee hee. This is so illicit how you’re choosing me over Chelsea” in her head. And that cold tequila and Michelob Light put on you have no Uma Thurman game, girl. Can’t you just order a drink without making it so significant every time? Everything you say has an implied “I’m the girl who ” to it. But I have to say, watching Shep get embarrassed by your phoniness is now my favorite thing in the world. Sorry. Second favorite thing.
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