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“I want to go to the City.”

We went to the City.

We went to the City five days before Christmas, along with seemingly every other organic life form that evolved to breathe oxygen in the universe, to gawk at the Macy’s window, the windows along 5th Avenue, the tree in Rock Center, and that family of 9 from San Antonio waiting in line at the TKTS booth in Times Square hoping to score half price tickets to see The Lion King. Again. Complaining of the unbelievably frigid 45 degree weather the entire time.

The one concession I demanded in return for agreeing to go, however, was that we leave the house early. How early?

“I can’t believe it’s not even 5am and I’m standing outside waiting for a bus. You’re insane!”

“I’m telling you, if we’d waited til 6 the Park n Ride would already be filled and we’d have to drive through the Lincoln Tunnel. And at 6am the Lincoln Tunnel is gonna have an hour long line at the tolls, minimum. After which we’d have to find parking at 30 dollars an hour in midtown Manhattan, a near impossibility this time of year.”

“Why didn’t we just wait til after rush hour to come in?”

“Because then we’d be leaving the City during rush, getting caught in that same traffic going back. And we still might not even have found parking by then. Trust me, this is better.”

So Wednesday morning our alarm went off at 3:30am, we showered up, coffee’d up, and hit the road. An hour later we pulled into the North Bergen Park n Ride which was already half full and got at the end of the line to grab the 5:05 bus into the City. NewWifey(tm) had plotted out the course she wanted to walk, and it started with Barney’s on Madison Avenue at 60th Street on the east side. So we did escalators and corridors and stairs and more stairs until we got to the Times Square station, where we hopped on an R train. The R has a stop 59th and Lex, a block from our starting point. Game on!

At 6am on the dot we got off the R and trudged the stairs to street level. A block west, then a block north, and we were at Barney’s.

Where the first thing we saw was cloud rape.

The Barney’s windows were AWESOME, the highlight of my morning. Seriously, Google them.

But, yeah. Cloud rape. (Although from the look on her face, I’m not sure it was rape. Maybe METOOANDILIKEDIT. )

Here’s the full 9 second animated sequence, btw. Make sure the kids are out of the room.

That was all on one plug, btw. You could smell the ozone from Jersey.

I liked this one. Who knew the NY Philharmonic had their own window?

Eventually we hit Rockefeller Center, and the tree. I tried to take a pic, but NewWifey(tm)’s hat photo bombed me.

I kicked her out of the way, but she kicked me back. Hard. As I was lying there nursing my shin, I took a shot from ground level.

Couldn’t get the tree centered because there was a large pedestal right there. I considered knocking it down, but there were heavily armed security goons everywhere. God, it was so much better before these stupid terrorists ruined it for us Good Folks.

I’ve gotta say, as imposing as the tree was, the sight of it unlit during daylight hours is pretty disappointing.

So I added boobs.

There we go. Boobs make everything better.

BTW, if you ever to there yourself, tear your gaze away from that gigantic bit of flora and spin 180 degrees. You’ll see this:

The gates are there to keep people not wearing ties out. But we got around them and soiled their sidewalk with our commoner shoes anyway so we could look at their for some reason Snow White and the 7 Dwarves movie tribute. For Christmas.
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